I think I’m going through something that a lot of married women experience. I’m just getting sort of…
bored… with my marriage. We used to be so playful and sexy and loving, and now it’s like, get up, work, come home, watch TV, sleep. Boring! What can we do to keep things exciting?
-Bored Rachel in Knoxville
Dear Bored Rachel,
Ah, yes, this is a familiar story that many women experience. I think it’s so important for people to live exciting lives, and the mundane routine you described is certainly not exciting. As humans, we love to have interesting new things happen, and when those things aren’t happening, we start to look for ways to have those experiences.
I’m not saying you’re going to go out and cheat – certainly not! But there are things you can do to grow the love and spontaneity of your relationship. Here are some ideas that have worked for me and many other couples…
Investigate Your Spouse. You can think you should have a PhD in your spouse because you know him or her so well, and you will get a very good sense of what they like over time… but each of us is always growing. The person you marry today is not the same person you’ll be married to in 5 years, I don’t care what anyone says.
So it’s important to investigate. Ask them what they like. Find out what inspires them. It just might surprise you and open up an avenue for entirely exciting and new possibilities.
Treat Your Spouse Like Your Job. Give your spouse the same attention and commitment you would give your job if you were working toward a promotion. Show up on time, express interest and focus on giving them what they need to succeed.
Often, we think that getting married was the promotion and we slack off in our efforts to maintain a strong relationship! Getting married was only the first step – now it’s time to really nurture your connection.
Do Things that Cultivate Connectedness. My husband and I went to a counseling center called The Art & Science of Love at the Gottman Institute. I wish I could give this weekend course to all married couples! Spending a few days together nurturing our relationship was an incredible experience (and now we regularly practice several of their techniques, one in particular, the 6 Second Kiss).
Do a 5-Minute Check In Every Day. Take 5 minutes every day to find out how your spouse’s day was. Ask him or her questions and find out how they’re feeling. If you don’t take the time to do this, you’re going to be lost in a world of mundane routine.
Have a Weekly Date Night. My husband and I schedule a date night every Friday. We call it “Date Night” because it shifts your focus – that way, even if it’s something as simple as lighting candles and sitting in the tub, it still feels like a special evening for connectedness.
Rachel, there are many things you can do to keep the love alive in your relationship. The important thing is to choose one and take the first step. Find out if your spouse is interested in participating with you, and take action!
Are you struggling with boredom in your partnership? What do you do to take action and cultivate connectedness with your spouse?
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